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Television:
Seinfeld
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Larry Thomas as the Soup Nazi: "No soup for you!"
Jerry Seinfeld: "What are we doing? ... What in God's name are we doing?"
Jason Alexander as George: "What."
Seinfeld: "What kind of lives are these? We're like children. We're not men."
Alexander: "No, we're not. We're not men."
Seinfeld: "We're pathetic, ya know that?"
Alexander: "Yeah, like I don't know that I'm pathetic."
Jason Alexander: "Oh, mother of God."
Michael Richards as Kramer: "Oh, yeah!!"
Jerry Stiller: "What are you – out of your mind??"
Estelle Harris: "Why can't you do anything like a normal person??"
Michael Richards: "I'm out there, Jerry, and I'm lovin' every minute of it!"
Julia Louis-Dreyfus: "Oy vey."
Seinfeld: "So, what's on your mind?"
Michael Richards: "It's Pam."
Seinfeld: "Pam? What about Pam?"
Richards: "I love her, Jerry!"
Sfx: Buzzer.
Seinfeld: "Yeah?"
Pam (on intercom): "It's Pam."
Seinfeld: "C'mon up."
Seinfeld: "I can't believe I'm losing Pam!"
Michael Richards: "It's payback time!"
Julia Louis-Dreyfus as Elaine: "I will never understand people."
Seinfeld: "They're the worst."
Seinfeld: "Elaine, what percentage of people would you say are good-looking?"
Julia Louis-Dreyfus: "Twenty-five percent?"
Seinfeld: "Twenty-five percent?"
Louis-Dreyfus: "Um-hmm."
Seinfeld: "No way! It's like four-to-six percent. It's a 20-to-1 shot."
Louis-Dreyfus: "You're way off."
Seinfeld: "Way off?"
Louis-Dreyfus: "Yeah."
Seinfeld: "Have you been to the motor vehicle bureau? It's a leper colony down there."
Louis-Dreyfus: "So, basically, what you're saying is 95 percent of the population is un-date-able?"
Seinfeld: "Un-date-able!"
Louis-Dreyfus: "Then how are all these people getting together?"
Seinfeld: "Alcohol."
Jerry Stiller as Frank Costanza: "You want a piece o' me??"
Michael Richards: "Hey, I just saw a pig-man ... a pig-man!"
Wayne Knight: "I'm a United States postal worker."
Jason Alexander: "Aren't those the guys that always go crazy and come back with a gun and shoot everybody?"
Knight: "Sometimes."
Seinfeld: "Why is that?"
Knight: "Because the mail never stops. Every day it piles up more and more and more, and you've gotta get it out, but the more you get it out, the more it keeps coming in! And then the bar code reader breaks, and it's Publisher's Clearinghouse day!"
Seinfeld: "All right, all right!"
Michael Richards: "Jerry, I'm tellin' ya I have this power... and I have no control over it."
Michael Richards: "These pretzels are makin' me thirsty."
Seinfeld: "It seems like every week a whole new set of problems would just crop up out of nowhere."
Michael Richards: "So, you're all in here together!... Well, how convenient!... I hope you're all very proud of yourselves!"
Teri Hatcher: "And, by the way... they're real, and they're spectacular."
Seinfeld: "Are you serious?"
Julia Louis-Dreyfus: "Look, Jerry, we have to have sex to save the friendship."
Music: The funky bass riff we hear at the commercial break during Seinfeld.
Jerry Stiller: "Serenity now!"
Seinfeld: "This is going to be a shame."
Sheila: "Hi, Shmoopy."
Jerry: "Hi, Shmoopy!"
Sheila: "No, you're Shmoopy!"
Jerry: "You're Shmoopy!"
Sheila: "Bye, Shmoopy."
Jerry: "Bye, Shmoopy."
Jason Alexander: "Ya know, we're living in a society!"
Julia Louis-Dreyfus: "Just couldn't decide if he was really sponge-worthy."
Julia Louis-Dreyfus: "I think you're stickin' it to me."
Michael Richards: "Oh, I talk the talk and I walk the walk, baby."
Seinfeld: "She's one of these low-talkers."
Julia Louis-Dreyfus: "Ya know, because he's a high-talker."
Seinfeld: "Bit of a close-talker."
Seinfeld: "So, uh, what do you do down there all day?"
Michael Richards: "TCB... takin' care o' business."
Jason Alexander: "I am gonna think about this. I am really gonna think about this!"
Jason Alexander: "The tomato never really took off as a hand fruit."
Estelle Harris: "You don't know what you're saying. You're under their control!"
Michael Richards: "I think I picked up on a vibe."
Larry Thomas as the Soup Nazi: "You think you can get soup? Please, you're wasting everyone's time."
Seinfeld: "Welcome back to the show."
Seinfeld: "Oh, that's an old wives' tale."
Michael Richards: "It's a write-off for them."
Seinfeld: "How is it a write-off?"
Richards: "They just write it off."
Seinfeld: "Write it off what?"
Richards: "Jerry, all these big companies – they write-off everything."
Seinfeld: "You don't even know what a write-off is."
Richards: "Do you?"
Seinfeld: "No, I don't."
Richards: "But, they do, and they're the ones writing it off."
Michael Richards: "Yoyo Ma."
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Seinfeld, page 2
