Television:
David Letterman         page 1       page 2       page 3       page 4

Dave: "If I clean the garage, will you take me to wrestlin'?"

Dave: "All right, all right, all right – I got an idea. Take off your pants!"

Paul: "My what?"

Dave: "Take off your pants!"

Dave: "Thank you for all the fun! Thank you!"

Dave: "That's right... I have the strength of ten men."

Dave: "Them bats is smart; they use radar."

Dave: "I have a theory about Madonna... I think she loves to shock us."

Dave: "Uh, there used to be, a couple of years ago, a woman who would break into my house."

Paul: "Dave, uh, I meant to speak to you about something before the show."

Dave: "Yeah, what's the matter?"

Paul: "They don't want you to do the masturbation scene tonight."

Dave: "This place blows."

Dave: "By the way, ladies and gentlemen, as always ... this stuff in lieu of actual entertainment."

Dave: "I wonder if my tie is too tight... cutting off blood flow to the brain."

Paul: "No, no, no."

Dave: "Do we have a tissue? Is there a tissue?"

Dave: "Twenty-two pounds of chickens, 18 eggplants."

Dave: "Uhhooooh!"

Dave: "This is very, very exciting."

"Waah waah" sound effects.

Dave: "Ladies and gentlemen, wake the kids, phone the neighbors."

Phone rings.

Dave: "There, going for the phone, picks it up, and now saying..."

Meg: "Hello. Publicity."

Dave: "Hi, Meg, it's me, Dave, over here at NBC."

Meg: "Hi!"

Dave: "Turn around and wave to America."

Audience cheers.

Dave: "Uh, we have to go. Good night, everybody."

Dave: "Oh, there they go! They're chanting weasel again."

Audience: "Weasel, weasel, weasel ..."

Dave: "Oh, that's enough. Hey, hey, hey!....... Weasel, weasel..."

Audience: "Weasel, weasel, weasel!"

Dave: "Could I be a little more weasely?"

Paul: "To what do we owe this outburst of weaseliness?"

Dave: "I don't know if you know this about me. You might have read it. It's been written up in various area periodicals. I have, in my spare time, visited every web site on the Internet... I've seen them all."

Dave: "Welcome to New York City. Welcome to the show. I'm Dave."

Dave: "Thank you very much, folks. Welcome to the alleged show. Thank you."

Dave: "Uh, welcome to the program, ladies and gentlemen."

Dave: "What?"

Dave: "What is wrong with you??"

Dave: "Yo, what the hell??"

Dave: "What the hell are you doing?"

Dave: "Haa, what's the matter, Al?"

Al Marr: "I thought if I shake it a little, it might do something."

Dave: "Good idea... Usually works for you, doesn't it, Al?"

Pete Fatovich: "Who gives a rat's ass?"

Dave Letterman: "Will you relax? Will you get off my back? Will you give me a minute to think? Easy, easy! You're driving me too hard! Give me a break! I need to think! I need time!"

Anton Fig: "I love autumn because the birds fly south for the winter, and that leaves more worms and insects for me."

Dave: "Wow!"

Dave: "Ya pinhead!"

Dave: "Yeah... Hey, that's uncalled for! I'll clear this courtroom, ya weasels!"

Marv Albert: "Yes!"

Dave: "You babies."

Dave: "Hello, you're on the air."

Caller: "Hi, Paul. Hi, Dave."

Dave: "Hi."

Caller: "Ya know, uh, most of the people who support this thing don't realize that... you guys suck!"

Paul: "You shut your mouth, you gap-toothed weasel!"

Dave: "Oh yeah? Why don't you shut yours, you Canadian geek!"

Paul: "Hey, go to hell, you cross-eyed bastard!"

Dave: "Hey, you do the same, toad boy!"

Paul: "Listen, you've had this coming for years, Letterman!"

Sfx: Crash.

Dave: "Ahh! ... I'm gonna kill you!"

Dave: "You sonofabitch!"

Dave: "Yeah, let's go to the phones now. Uh, hi there. You're on the air."

Caller: "Hi. Uh, ya know, I think the real, uh, the problem with this is that... you suck, Letterman!"

Dave: "You weasels."

Dave: "And now some more Zeppelin, Stairway to Heaven."

Dave: "Paul, nice to see you. Nice to see everybody in the band."

Paul: "Good to see you, sir."

Dave: "Uh, of course, Sid McGinnis, Will Lee, and Antoinne Zip, our drummer."

Paul: "That would be Anton Fig."

Dave: "Anton Fig, yes."

Dave: "Zip-Lock my ass!"

Letterman, page 3

Many more Letterman sounds on pages 1, 2 and 3