Television:
Saturday Night Live

Steve Martin: "They should die like pigs in hell."

Steve Martin: "Well, excuuuuuuuse me!"

Steve Martin: "Perhaps this scientific method could be extended to other fields of learning! Perhaps I could lead the way to a new age, an age of rebirth, a renaissance!... Naaah!"

Steve Martin: "Boy, it is certainly no difficulty now for any women to see our bulges."

Steve Martin: "Slap-a my hand, black soul man!"

Steve Martin: "I told them that we have many swinging hobbies, like meeting girls and being next to their big American breasts!"

Steve Martin: "Take off your coats so we can see your big American breasts!"

Steve Martin: "And here is a thing I will tell you, that two most swinging foxes had the hots on for us, and are coming here tonight to let us hold on to their big American breasts!"

Steve Martin: "Because I am a wild and crazy guy!"

Dennis Miller: "Good evening, and what can I tell ya."

Dennis Miller: "Guess what, folks. That's the news, and I am outta here."

Music: Roxanne

Joe Montana as himself: "Oh, you won't disturb me. I'll be in my room masturbating."

Eddie Murphy singing: "Would you be mine? Won't you be mine? Won't you be my neighbor?"

Eddie Murphy: "Hello, boys and girls."

Mike Myers as Dieter: "I'm so full of anticipation that my genitals have sucked up into my body cavity."

Mike Myers as Wayne: "Grrooww."

Dana Carvey as Garth: "No way!"

Mike Myers as Wayne: "Hh-way!"

Carvey and Myers: "Not!"

Mike Myers: "This is the part of the job that I hate."

Myers: "Party on, Garth."

Carvey: "Party on, Wayne."

Myers: "All right."

Both singing: "Wayne's World, Wayne's World, party time, excellent!"

Myers: "Shwing! Shwing!... Tent pole action, man."

Carvey: "Yeah, I'm startin' to feel tingly down there!"

Myers: "Shwing!"

Myers: "Welcome to Sprockets. I am your host, Dieter."

Myers: "Now's the time on Sprockets when we dance!"

Music: Sprockets theme music.

Myers: "Would you like to touch my monkey?"

Myers: "Do you want to touch my monkey?"

Kevin Nealon: "Hey, penis looks great today!"

Don Novello as Father Guido Sarducci: "Arrivederci, America."

Carvey: "Once again, I am Hans."

Nealon: "Yah, and I am Franz, and we just want to"

Both: "pump..."

>Clap<

Both: "... you up. All right."

Gilda Radner: "What's all this fuss I keep hearing about the 1976 presidential erection?"

Gilda Radner: "It all goes to show ya that it's always something."

Gilda Radner: "Haa, that's so funny I forgot to laugh."

Gilda Radner: "I keep asking myself, Roseanne Roseannadanna, if they can make a coffee you like without caffeine, why can't they make a hamburger you like with no toenails?"

Adam Sandler: "I'm Crazy Newspaper Unicorn Man, and I do believe I want some candy!"

Rob Schneider: "Makin' copies!"

William Shatner: "Get a life... will ya, people? I mean, for cryin' out loud, it's just a TV show."

Paul Simon: "Ladies and gentlemen, my friend George Harrison."

Audience cheers.

David Spade: "Buh-bye."

George Wendt: "A team dat is know as... da Bearss."

Chris Farley and others: "Da Bearss!"