Television:
David Letterman         page 1       page 2       page 3       page 4

David Letterman: "New York, New York... the town so nice, they named it twice."

Dave: "Uh, ladies and gentlemen, I must apologize. I am sweating like a New York waiter."

Dave: "I read nine newspapers a day."

Dave: "Nineteen percent of the people polled... and I think we all know how painful that can be."

Dave: "Go ahead – touch me again."

Janine Turner: "Ah, ha, ha!"

Dave: "We're behaving like ninnies!"

Dave: "I have no idea what the hell happened or what to do about it."

Dave: "I guess what I'm trying to say is, I'm not a jerk... but I play one on TV."

Paul Shaffer: "I am not an animal! I'm a human being!"

Dave: "So for a change, we're not the ones who get screwed."

Singers singing hokie segue music: "Now here's Dave."

Paul Shaffer doing his famous imitation of Cher singing O Holy Night.

Dave: "Ya know, it must be obvious to even the most casual observers that I get the answers to life's difficult questions from the screaming voices in my head."

Dave: "Oh, geez, my back is out again! Paul, help! My back is out!"

Dave: "We're the only thing on NBC right now."

Dave: "Now, kids, do us a favor and say hello to our good friend Paul Shaffer."

Audience cheers.

Dave Letterman: "Uh, yesterday, ladies and gentlemen, General Electric, the company that owns NBC... Ah, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!"

Dave: "I know for a fact them radio waves is harmful."

Dave: "Yes, it's the haircut again, Paul. This is the haircut that makes me look like I ought to be raking a yard at a state facility."

Dave: "Yesterday afternoon we're doing our rehearsal... Ah, ha, ha, ha, ha!"

Dave: "This ain't no technological breakdown... This is the road to hell. Ha, ha!"

Dave: "Ah, tonight ladies and gentlemen, the presentation of our viewer mail, as always, is being assisted by the Westinghouse Puma 206 Access Robotic Arm. Here it is, right there."

Dave imitating an audience member: "Who picks out your ties? The same guy who cuts your hair?"

Dave: "Aw, screw you."

Dave: "Awww, screw you."

Dave: "Screw you!"

Dave: "Man alive, it's not even May, and already New York City is clogged with shirtless fat guys."

Dave: "Ya know, for me, the best thing about being in show bidness is being able to say, 'Show bidness.' "

Dave: "Hey, shut up, will ya??"

Dave: "On tonight's program, ladies and gentlemen, we have something that's gonna make you sick."

Dave: "You've already seen that, and yet you still have something sickening to look forward to."

Dave: "No, I'm not talking to you, hey, hey, I'll run the show, all right? You just, you just sit there and be entertained, okay?? Ha, ha, ha, excuse me – I snapped for a minute."

Dave in his sissy voice: "I believe I'm having some kind of spell!"

Dave: "Please, someone hep me."

Dave: "I think there's something weasely going on."

Dave: "Steinbrenner sucks."

Dave: "Ah, tomorrow on the program, ladies and gentlemen... that is, if we're still here – Ha, ha, ha!"

Dave: "Oh, stop your whining or I'll come up there and slap ya."

Dave: "All right – Oh! We're going to do Stupid Pet Tricks. We haven't done this in quite some time, and, uh, you understand the gist of this. People and their beloved pets, they come on, they do little stunts, they do little tricks... This is only an exhibition, this is not a competition. Please, as always, ladies and gentlemen... no wagering."

Dave: "You guys suck!"

Paul Shaffer singing: "Supermarket finds, exchanging glances, supermarket finds..."

Paul playing the swami music for the Amazing Kreskin.

Little girl: "I'm a sweet little cupcake... baked by the Devil!"

Letterman, page 4

Many more Letterman sounds on page 4